| work, work |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|08:48 pm] |
woohoo!! we made major progress today with freelance work :D go us!
anywho, a side effect is that i haven't been in control of nirvana (my pc) for the entire time . . . for most part, ryouga and marilawin were using her (yes, nirvana is a girl)
regcom first of all, i would like to extend a big "GOOD LUCK!" to regcom05. i helped out yesterday, and well, it was a really stressful day T_T additionally, i wasn't able to go to the banquet and elections T_T i miss regcom . . .
tamiya well, me and a couple of friends were talking about some stuff that i can't talk about yet in fears that a certain someone will read this *hint hint* anywho, it came into my mind that hell, this is the period i dreaded last year, and it's happening again. i really hate the feeling when everyone and everything to you seems to drift away,and no matter how much you feel you're trying to hold on, you know there's a pretty wide margin of them disappearing entirely. it really makes my stomach churn when i think about it . . . but of course, other than this blog, i try to deny all traces of it (as usual)
PBT
update : we just finished the freelance project for our client (wow, i can't believe i just said that).
payback is sweet~! especially if it's monetary, and you're recieving it ^^
for those who want to keep track, (basically that's me) here's a recap:
client : dependable printing and packaging company
software : payroll and employee record software
language : vb (the one that comes with excel)
total time to develop : ~3days x 3ppl, 9 man days :D
what i've learned : more vb, macros, excel (our database was in excel), and most importantly, how taxes compute
aside : man, i couldn't believe how much i would have to pay for the government tax, if i decide to accept the azeus job (~30% a month T_T) that's about 5000! 5 frickin thousand!!!
anywho, that best thing that happened today was that i got paid~! this is the first amount of money that i actualy earned for myself~! i'm so~ proud~! ^^v
however . . .
angels and demons today's not all good, once i stopped to think about it. i'm all excited and everything coz i'll finally be able to treat my friends tom, after all the times they've treated me out . . . but one of them may not be able to go tom because of personal problems. yeah, i'm bummed about it, and i'll try to persuade her to change her mind later. after all, ohana means family; family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten . . . |
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| rain |
[Dec. 30th, 2004|10:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  dazzled in dreams | ] |
ok. whatta night.
i can't make out all the details (next time i'm gonna log it as soon as i wake up)
it was raining. that's for certain. and it seems like i was going away from somewhere. i can't remember whether i was going away from home, or i'm from somewhere going home. i also remember i was carrying a backpack, and i was worrried that the contents might get wet. i also remembered quarelling with somebody. i was leaving her behind. i also remember commuting and sorta getting lost. it was afternoon, i think it was about 3 or 4, judging from the lighting. it was predominantly blue, like the shade of things during a thunderstorm. i remember a lot of jeepneys passing, as i was searching for one to ride. somewhere in the middle, we came upon a part of the road that seems like a mountainside. to the left side is a cliff going up, to the right is a cliff going down. the jeepney i'm riding is travelling in that road. then i wake up @_@ |
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| a new motiff |
[Dec. 29th, 2004|06:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  dreaming | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Corrs - Dreams | ] |
i think i've got a new idea ^^
since lately i have been having some very weird dreams, and since i haven't been active in this blog, maybe i'll just record my dreams here . . .
hence forth this shall be known as
(dun dun DUNNN)
aetherdreams
heheh |
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| 2 |
[Nov. 23rd, 2004|04:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pfft | ] |
You Are the Helper |
2
You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you.
You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know.
Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere.
You connect with people who are charming and charismatic.
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| this is new |
[Nov. 23rd, 2004|07:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed as hell | ] |
| [ | music |
| | orient pearl - pagsubok | ] |
i usually update at my other site, but since i reformatted my pc, i still haven't been able to install my FTP program, so here i am.
well, the basic gist of it all is that i'm being attacked by gusts of what i'd like to call terrible loneliness. as much as i hate to admit it, i feel the need for attention. ironic really since i normally don't. but what makes this different is that i'm craving for attention from one person alone. it's like i find myself thinking, "maybe i should strike a conversation now?" "no, you idiot, you don't have credits!" "i'll buy some" "but you have to save up, christmas is coming, and you want to make an impression then" and all that crap. but fact is, sometimes i just feel that desperate need to see her. probably because i don't want to wake up and forget. yet again. quite frankly, i'm having trouble articulating into words what's going on inside my head, among other things, and not that it's driving me insane or anything, but i'm quite sure it makes me distracted. now that i have some more problems facing me (though that may be a story for another time. but to make that long story short, it's peer pressure - totally unrelated to the story above.) |
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| this is what really happens in ce 170 (sorry dr. reyes) |
[Jun. 28th, 2004|02:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | creative | ] |
this is a work in progress . . . hence, untitled . . .
a bird cannot love a star
fly if you must, strain your wings
but the same winds that keep you aloft
hold you captive in a prison of freedom
a bird cannot love a star
it can only gaze at its beauty
how it illuminates faintly,
barely there to be seen among millions like it,
but its beauty encompasses
time
space
thought
where its mere presence gives the bird strength
when the sun has set
and the moon's light has waned
whereas the star remains oblivious
to the reality that clutches the bird
where her light, barely there to be seen
among others like her
hold the bird captive
in a prison of freedom
for a bird can love a star
but it won't be loved back |
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| . . . life is . . . |
[Apr. 30th, 2004|10:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  morose | ] |
am blogging from school today, which is sorta different from usual . . .
but then again today is different than usual . . .
death plucks my ear and says,
"live, i am coming!" a friend of mine just lost something awfully dear . . .
. . . her mother . . .
devastating it is, especially considering her . . .
she's a very cheerful person . . . often keeping strog emotions inside . . .
. . .
of course, i cannot even begin to imagine the torrents of emotions that surge through her being now . . .
and i don't even know how to let her know that everything's gonna be ok . . .
. . .
you just never know what you have they're gone . . .
. . .
again words fail me . . .
but hopefully actions won't
† bil . . . your will be done |
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| old friends, new lives |
[Apr. 22nd, 2004|10:15 pm] |
and still things never stop changing . . .
departure a friend of mine is going abroad . . . maybe even for good . . .
and now i get that darn emotion again . . .
the one that makes me feel all depressed about not making the most out of the time i've spent with her . . .
never really spent much bonding time with her, but i feel quite fond of her . . .
there are times that she feels so much like my elder sister . . .
and times when she feels like a younger sister . . .
and times when she feels like a real good friend . . .
plumcouch483, keep in touch~! be good, be safe, be brave . . .
greetings from far away an old friend of mine (he's in canada right now) sent me an email just a while ago . . .
in fact i just finished writing my reply . . .
it feels great to recieve messages from far-away friends . . .
heartwarming to be remembered, despite the distance . . .
it feels reassuring to know that, somehow, no matter what happens, i will never really be parting with my friends . . .
that there will never really be a "good bye"
. . .
and someday . . .
. . .
i will meet them all again . . .
. . .
and despite everything . . .
. . .
everything will be okay . . .
. . .
someday . . . |
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| the best things in life . . . |
[Apr. 21st, 2004|10:17 pm] |
. . . are gone . . .
well, not really. but thing is, i feel now. more than ever, so many things are changing, so darn fast.
hugs and kisses many people around me have, in the course of four years in college, found someone that they like enough to commit themselves, to the extent that they can, together . . .
they found along the way a lot of bumps and obstacles,
some found the strength to go over them . . .
some, sadly had to part ways . . .
others, still, found other people with whom they chose to overcome the obstacles with . . .
and there have been many divisions among my friends . . .
and, admittedly, as much as i don't want to,
i am forced to take sides . . .
though i really don't quite understand the need for such rush of bad emotions . . .
i don't understand how people just find it easy to be so outright honest . . .
i am confused whether i am too much of a spineless excuse for a man or are the people who have been blunt with me just as confused as i am . . .
so far, i have tried being assertive of myself and it hasn't really been going that well for me . . .
i think i have been going about it all wrong . . .
they said i should be clearer with my stand . . .
but i ended up being a jerk who utterly disregarded other's feelings . . .
for me, i find that, right now, all i have to do is stop being too harsh to myself, but remain basically the same
i understand what they want me to do . . . but now i see more clearly that they too are still ini search of who they are . . .
much like i am . . . so they just had teh tendency to go a little overboard with advice
but they meant well . . .
however, the fact that the ostracism has become so apparent is something that can't be overlooked . . .
in many ways, what they (the ostracized) did was wrong . . .
but i have the urge to reconcile with them . . .
many pray for their demise (well, not really, but you know what i mean)
but in some ways, i feel envious of the strength they have mustered through all this
and now, it seems, they are really starting to grow more as persons . . .
much more than me, and some people i know . . .
or maybe i'm still just living in my perfect world . . .
. . .
maybe or maybe not
. . . |
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| from gust to gale |
[Apr. 5th, 2004|04:48 am] |
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last time i blogged (that morpheus thing doesn't count, k?)
i said something about regretting something so much that i wanted to turn back time iteself
but then, i found myself watching a movie with my friends, that suprisingly, was perfectly appropriate . . .
<strong>the butterfly effect</strong> strictly speaking, this is a described in light of the chaos theory (basically, not determinism)
it states that the greatest storms of the earth may have come from something as simple as a butterfly flapping its wings
in the movie, (well, you just have to watch it) this was viewed in light of timr travel,
and changing the unchangeable, as it were
smashing performance by ashton kutcher, by the way.
as it turns out, turning back time would render many things affecting the future . . .
and this poses to us 2 effects:
one, one tends to blame many irrelevant things and events in the past to make up for their own shortcomings . . .
needless to say, this is really bad
and the second implication is that the when you try to change the past to your advantage, things are bound to go wrong . . .
you can't have everything . . .
<strong>greenhills galore</strong> went to greenhills with some friends . . .
<strong>regcom work begins</strong> well, it did!
more to follow . . . need sleep . . . badly . . . |
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| the taste of gray |
[Mar. 29th, 2004|08:27 pm] |
hey, i just graduated a while ago!
"and there was much rejoicing" *hoorah*
and btw, 'tis p-chan's (name changed to protect person's well being) birthday today!
(as if you don't know who p-chan is . . . o_O)
anywho, this night has made me feel extra-bloggy
i guess graduation jitters just jumpstarted my gall :P
and so, on with blog-a-thon!
(hey, that rhymed!)
valedictory speech of the dead center the valedictory speech of the veledictorian (well that was redundant), kendra, was, quite frankly, inspiring
and for one thing, it really appealed to me, how she put into words the thoughts that have run through my head for quite some time now . . .
now, a valedictorian gets to have a speech presented to the batch, then again, a valedictorian is someone the batch can look up to . . .
too bad you're in my blog, and you get to listen to the speech of the person probably in the dead center of the batch . . .
just kidding =D
anywho, kidding aside, one of the points kendra has pointed out is the reality of regret . . .
now, many people live by the philosophy of "not living in regret"
(memories of baguio trip flash by)
anywho, there is a truth in that philosophy as well . . .
yes, you only regret the things you don't do . . .
but then again, what's to regret?
sometimes it's good to regret . . .
sometimes you'll regret not letting oportunities pass by . . .
sometimes you'll regret something you do . . .
the flaw in this reasoning is that people tend to overlook one thing . . .
when taking risks, you always aim to succeed . . .
and people trade the aim for the experience . . .
not that there's anything wrong with cherishing the experience, i all for it . . .
but taking the risk at the inopportune time is like shooting the arrow off target, as it were
i fall witness to people who completely disregard all sense of direction for the sake of
"just to get it over and done with"s
or "so i don't have to wonder anymore"s
but in the end, they end up regretting more that it's worth . . .
they jump off the plane without the parachutes, as it were,
so they won't have "no regrets"
but then again, i've also witnessed the downfall of people who thought too much, too long
to them is a life full of regret
now it's not that moment that deserves all that focus . . .
a well-timed action . . . well thought of, and well prepared for . . .
no matter how spontaneous
(don't get me wrong . . . and i know you know what i mean when i say this)
is, by all means what we should aim for
but the focus is what happens afterwards
because only then can you test wether you will live in regret or not . . .
because as far as i can see, there are at least two kinds of regret . . .
one that grabs you,
cripples you,
chokes you.
there's that regret that holds you in its clutches and takes away all signs of hope whatsoever . . .
then there's regret that knocks you back to reality,
opens your eyes,
makes you reflect on the past,
makes you a realize your mistake.
there's the regret that makes you say, "now i know better" (thanks kendra)
so now, the challenge is building up on your facts and reflections
the right time will happen with or without your consent . . .
and it may catch you off guard
but when it comes you better have an idea what you'll do . . .
only then can you say, "no regrets, eh?"
---------- [ this is blogged at about 7 pm on wsunday . . . after mtq ] ------------------
now what has all this have to do with anything, anyway?
kendra said (probably the mass sentiment, though not all may have realized this),
graduation is a time of transistion, a turn of the page, a door opening up to another world
but it is also a time of regret . . .
new opportunities open, and old ones close . . .
and for me personally, there's that blue rose thing . . .
that opportunity is closing before my eyes, and there is nothing more i can do . . .
but, like i've said before . . . i don't feel regretful . . .
at least i'm not crippled . . .
now i feel empowered . . .
i feel the drive to pursue more . . . thanks to my friends . . .
now i feel like siezing the day . . .
everyday . . .
but i won't jump in just yet . . .
i'll remain here . . . if i can remain steadfast . . .
like barnicle to a whale, as it were (thanks, p-chan)
i guess i'll learn more . . .
(Y_Y) now, i'm not sure whether any of you are wondering about the theme of today's rant-o-rama,
or what it has anything to do with grad . . .
actually, i find it a little blurry myself as well, until a while ago . . .
after teaching the mtq kids a while ago, i found myself commuting home, as always . . .
just then, when i passed by the ateneo, as always, i noticed how empty it was . . .
everyone's home . . . where they're supposed to be . . .
and i feel happy for them, in a way . . .
but deep down, i can't help but be depressed, in a way . . .
i miss everyone, just a day after graduation . . .
i feel bad everytime i think that today is the first official day that our crossroads part again . . .
how i wish they'd all come home . . .
but home is where they are right now . . .
and not with me . . .
. . .
and for a while i was overcome by these feelings of depression that i was willing to give anything,
ANYTHING,
to come back to three days ago . . .
and how i wished i took that chance,
and gave them a hug . . .
yes, a hug
it was something i've always wanted to do . . .
hug someone special to me . . .
to hug them like there was no tommorow . . .
now i know the taste of gray feelings . . .
. . .
it's bittersweet
. . .
regrets?
no . . .
. . .
i will never say goodbye . . . not now . . . |
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| oopsies! |
[Mar. 24th, 2004|03:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
it has been quite a while since i last posted anything, ne?
funny thing is, all this time, i have been burning my eyebrows trying to come up with a 1337 layout,
and guess what? the darn thing won't even work!
i get something about "permission denied" (o_O)
wow
anywho, on with the rantage!
::blog-o-rama:: now that i'm done and over with everything that spelled the living hell that spelled the past four years of my poor excuse for an existence, (whew)
i now find myself reading about other people's lives,
or to put it in a more proper way, i have been reflecting on other peoples' points of view about anything and everything
(i'd place links to them all. but this stupid thing wont allow me . . . gah!)
it's amazing how many new things a few simple words with the proper reflections can shed light on things that you wouldn't even think others took time to reflect on . . .
this is the exact reason why i continue to publish my life online . . .
my romantic streak just propels me to hope that someday, somewhere, someone will find strength/wisdom/or just plain read my blog and say ,"danm, i thought i was the only one who realized this . . . "
well, anywho, when (or if) my new layout ever makes it way to cyberspace, try checking them out . . . they're really, like, deep . . .
::pomp and circumstance:: yey~! i'm gonna march this march! and you know what feels real good? the fact that we're all graduating! nobody has to get left behind . . . not anymore . . .
but still, i still can't help but feel . . . sad . . .
in about 3 weeks, i'll be going to school again, undergoing the usual routine
to wake up in the morning again, fresh for a new day,
despite the gross lack of sleep
taking refuge in the daily dosage of caffeine, as always
going about morning patrols, ho hum, same-old-same-old
nothing new . . .
or is it?
walking alone to school, as always, but something feels different
you start to think . . .
. . .
. . .
what is it?
. . .
. . .
you remembered to take your homework, that's over and done with.
you feel your pockets to check
wallet . . . check
celphone . . . check
ballpen . . . check
id . . . check
. . .
wait a minute
. . .
you feel something different down the side of your bag . . .
hmm . . .
you falter for it, looking like an idiot on the side of the road,
reaching in the deep recesses of the symbol of the plain routine of your life
you grab it
a pin
hmm . . .
you feel the cold metal, running your fingers across the plastic covering
carefully you read the ink printed on the bond paper
"made for reg"
. . .
then it strikes you, like how a fish last realizes it's swimming in water
what's different since last time has been staring at you the entire time
. . .
you're walking alone
water wells in your eyes,
they're gone
you feel . . .
what?
regretful? no. you know you've made the most of your time with them
hurt? no. what have you to be hurt about?
unsatisfied? no. well maybe . . .
sad?
. . .
definitely.
you know you're surrounded by friends who care about you as much as them . . .
you know you'll meet them again somewhere along the road
but why all this?
a fleeting moment of silence that seems tio last an eternity
a void somewhwere that seems to get larger, and larger, until it seems to consume you alive . . .
a sudden urge to scream, a longing for . . . something . . .
but at the same time, a rush of memories flash back behind the pupils of your eyes
you look, and see, and remember . . . and you realized you're home . . .
*beep*beep*beep*
you snap back to reality, reach frantically to your cellphone.
a message . . .
. . . opening message . . .
hmm
wrong send
. . .
hey, i'm gonna be late!
racing to the door, everything seems to catch up
you return to the routine that is your life,
ho-hum
. . .
but still, that felt
. . .
. . .
nice
::shenanigans:: but of course~! after eveything is over and done with, all i've been up to is nothing less than pure nonesense heheh
but not in a bad way
hey, in fact, it was really really great! almost every darn day of my life i was doing something *not* studying. wow
almost every darn day lately, i have been inviting people to watch movies with me like there's no tommorow . . .
the two most memorable ones are :
1. something's gotta give - this happened sometime after the exam week . . . i invited an old english classmate of mine to watch a movie together . . . of course, everyone keeps on getting a wrong impression that it was a date . . . well, they're not entirely wrong (heheh) but, of course was just about hanging out. she's a nice girl, with the beauty to boot, but, i don't know . . . it's like i'm testing my mettle and wrestling with my emotions (and i found that quite unfair) so i decided that it i should stop acting like an idiot and act like i actually would (over analysis kills)
2. 50 first dates - a really good halfway-feelgood movie . . . what i liked about it is taht the feelgood factor didn't reach hideous levels. it actually gave a real good approximation of reality . . . at least from my point of view. i was joined by the lot of the regcom peeps in this one, and i was glad i got the chance . . . but somehow . . . i'm afraid of the force shift within me . . . never mind
i also engaged in a really spontaneous overnight tripping at a classmate's house. we spent the night doing absolutely nothing . . . and i think it isn't a waste, even though it sure sounds like it . . . it was fun doing absolutely nothing with friends . . . we just kept getting ourselves (and each other) into loads of trouble the entire night, and that was fine and great, i'm gonna miss this . . .
i also went on a week long trip to baguio~! and it rocked to high heavens~!
the highlight of the trip is, for me, the bull sessions . . . since there was an oath of silence, i can't divulge anything that has been said about the others. so, for the sake of narration, i 'll just talk about my side of the everything (yes, i intended that)
the main points that were raised were : 1. i friggin lacked self confidence (true) and 2. i should get my emotions straight and lay down my cards if i ever want to get *her* as a partner . . .
for the first point: that's so true . . . i really lack self confidence, and i need to assert myself more . . . but i think they went a little overboard with talleing me to fight my way in the world and not let myself change to please everybody . . . well, as much as that's o close to the truth, after reflcting on it for a while, i realize that, true, i change a lot, and i lack follow through . . . but i have more than taht . . . i find that i stil,l remain myself, and i really don't change anything about myself, but i really find time for others, especially if they need me . . . the real problem with me is that i don't assert myself and sometimes it affects the quality of my work, which i should probably change . . .
as for the second point . . . i think i won't just yet . . . i realize that if i just let i out, i will most likely regret it more . . . i don't know . . . as much as i really, really like her . . . i really feel that i should . . . i don't know . . . i'm confused . . .
. . .
i have to figure this out soon . . . like later soon
. . .
*sigh*
*takes a break*
::†bil:: a friend of mine has just undergone the grand-daddy of all retreats: Days with the Lord~! i would like to welcome her tot he fourth day, and i really wish all the best for her . . . she's a great person, and i know she'll do really well in life . . .
here's to good times ahead of us . . . *cheers* |
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aetherion's journal
melancholy
nostalgic